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Wayne’s World: An Honest Review Of Fashion Week 2017

Esquire's Head Writer, Wayne Cheong, reviews things. This time, he delves into some of the most-talked-about looks in Milan and Paris.

BY Wayne Cheong | Jan 31, 2017 | Fashion

MAN's show opening at the Paris Fashion Week A/W17. Photographs from IMAXTREE.

 

Wayne Cheong, a writer of fine taste and limited fashion sense, was asked by the editor to browse through 10 outstanding looks from the recently concluded fashion weeks in Milan and Paris. Here's his take.

 


 

 

THOM BROWNE A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
The silhouette mined the Sunday morning cartoons deposit of my childhood and unearthed Man-E-Faces from Masters of the Universe. Such feels.

My general opinion of this look is…
That someone took a jacket and steamrollered it like they do in Looney Tunes.

This look would be perfect for…
Those who decided to downgrade from a three-dimensional space to a two-dimensional one.

This look could be improved with…
A full commitment to also steamrolling the person wearing the outfit.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
Shit and giggles.


More: Thom Browne A/W17 runway images


 

 

WALTER VAN BEIRENDONCK A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
Someone screwed up on the proportion of the outfit.

My general opinion of this look is…
I, too, will hide behind a mask if my large gloves represented my inadequacies.

This look would be perfect for…
Trump.

This look could be improved with…
More fingers on the gloves. I mean, go big or go home, amirite?

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
Fulfilling my end of a bet that I've lost.


More: Buy Walter Van Beirendonck's pieces


 

 

MOSCHINO A/W17 

My first impression of this look is…
“Did NASA endorse this?”

My general opinion of this look is…
Coming up with a list filled with dumb puns about space.

This look would be perfect for…
Dr Neil Degrasse Tyson.

This look could be improved with…
A complimentary space helmet.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
The opportunity to have people point to my behind and unironically say, “I’m checking out Uranus”. (Reminder: make sure Uranus is pictured at trousers seat first.)


More: A round-up of key highlights from Milan Fashion Week A/W17


 

 

PIGALLE A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
Someone sewed the openings of the jacket armholes as a joke.

My general opinion of this look is…
That it’s an upgraded look from the Swiss Guard.

This look would be perfect for…
Those who really cannot afford to waste the extra seconds putting in one arm after another through a jacket sleeves.

This look could be improved with…
A halberd.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
An audience with the Pope, who will troll my outfit mercilessly.


More: Here's information on how to get an audience with the Pope


 

 

COMME DES GARÇONS HOMME PLUS A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
Finally, they let the human Playmobil onto the catwalk.

My general opinion of this look is…
At least, it’s colour-coordinated.

This look would be perfect for…
Blending against the Swedish flag.

This look could be improved with…
A little Photoshop swap with the model’s face for a blue-and-yellow macaw’s. (The hair will remain as it is.)

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
Guaranteed employment at IKEA.


More: Comme des Garçons Homme Plus A/W17 runway images


 

 

RICK OWENS A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
The Michelin Man letting himself go.

My general opinion of this look is…
When the model decides to sleep on the runway, at least he (she?) will be comfortable.

This look would be perfect for…
People who love to sleep in the wide open fields under the stars.

This look could be improved with…
An accompanying bonfire and smores.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
A temporary safety measure when the airbags in my car don’t work. Haha. Kidding. I can’t afford a car on a writer’s salary.


More: Buy from Rick Owen's online store


 

 

VETEMENTS A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
“Dad?”

My general opinion of this look is…
To grab a marker to plot out a graph of Vetements’ fucks that they are running out of against their swelling bank account on that dude’s shirt.

This look would be perfect for…
Practitioners of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

This look could be improved with…
More indifference on the model’s face.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
To meet a kidnapper's demands in order to rescue my dumb daughter who was kidnapped twice before.


More: A round-up of the highs and lows from Paris Fashion Week A/W17


 

 

DIOR HOMME A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
Where’s Waldo?

My general opinion of this look is…
That better be a wefie on his poncho.

This look would be perfect for…
Someone who wants to camouflage in a mosh pit.

This look could be improved with…
A mask. Of someone else’s face.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
To give the face recognition feature on my camera a run of its money. 


More: Dior Homme A/W17 runway images


 

 

DOLCE & GABBANA A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
Why couldn’t it be this guy instead of Harambe? #ripharambe

My general opinion of this look is…
I hope a fake leopard did not die for this outfit.

This look would be perfect for…
Hipster furries.

This look could be improved with…
An irate zookeeper running after this dude.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
An audition for a Lion King musical.


More: A selection of Dolce & Gabbana's news on Esquire


 

 

MAN A/W17

My first impression of this look is…
The new mascot for Trump’s "Make America Great Again".

My general opinion of this look is…
This kinda looks like a suppository.

This look would be perfect for…
The analogy of America today: battered but not out and a pain in the world's ass.

This look could be improved with…
Fireworks exploding in the background while Katy Perry sings "Firework" next to the model.

If I must wear this, it’d be for…
Gaining a place in Trump’s cabinet.


More: For starters, here's how to volunteer for Donald Trump's office. Kidding. Don't!


 


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