Man at His Best

Opinion: Can We Please Finally Agree That Sex Is Superior Compared To Chocolate?

You can never climax with cocoa.

BY Tina Wang | May 11, 2017 | Sex & Relationships

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They’ve both been regarded as sinful, capable of causing shivers down the spine, and eliciting gasps from parted lips. And they each bring their own brand of post-indulgence bliss—a trippy haze that can be difficult to shake off. Ladies and gents, I’m referring to sex and chocolate. 

While not exactly best mates in the ilk of football and lager or gin and tonic, chocolate and sex each has its list of worthy merits even though you’ll find  a hung jury when it comes to which is superior. Yes, while the sex-versuschocolate nonsense is not new, neither has found official absolution. 

That’s why some women still insist eating chocolate is more pleasurable than having sex. These are the same women who would swear over the bodies of their unborn children that the sweet treat is positively orgasmic, spiking off the charts on the Richter scale of #goodfeels. 

It’s also why you’ll also come across articles like “10 Reasons Why Chocolate IS Better Than Sex”, where writers argue inane reasons like “good chocolate is easy to find”; “chocolate satisfies you even when it’s gone soft”; and “chocolate will never make you pregnant”. Seriously? Yawn.

I love chocolate and I eat bucket loads of it every week in various forms: cookies, cakes, bars, dips, frosting, you name it. But let me tell you there is no way all that gooey goodness will ever be superior to sex. 

First of all, chocolate will never take you to the heights of euphoria that sex can. Sure, there’s the initial jolt of what’s to come (sorry, couldn’t resist), the deep stirrings of wanting more. But each bite and mouthful don’t quite lead to that joyous crescendo of an explosive climax, followed by a delirious loss of breath. No, you just feel as torpid as a whale on Prozac. 

Also, there’s no thrill in scoring some chocolate. Even if you schlepped all the way out to wherever and pounced on the last covetable option, it pales in comparison to the challenge of chitchat, a well-played charm offensive, and eventual sweaty, toe-curling copulation. 

Plus, whether you like yours white or dark, coitus makes you feel things that chocolate never will. When you eat substandard chocolate (grainy texture and gnarly aftertaste, I’m talking about you), you feel cheated, disgusted even. But sex is like pizza—even if it’s bad, it’s good. That feeling of being engaged and in the zone is something eating chocolate can never reproduce. So, no, don’t wave that king-sized Mars bar at me or ask me how it will feel in my mouth. That don’t impress me. 

Which brings me, last but not least, to perhaps my favourite reason of all: there’s no such thing as too much sex. Admit it—you can overdo it at the gym, at the buffet line, at HIIT class, at a pub crawl and, yes, on a chocolate binge, but you can’t say the same about sex. Ever.

This article was first published in the print edition of Esquire Singapore, May 2017.