Man at His Best

Johnny Depp And Amber Heard's Australian Apology Is Today's Required Viewing

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's apology to Australia for alleging the illegal importation of two dogs into the country is so forced, it's painful to watch.

BY DAVE HOLMES | Apr 19, 2016 | Culture

It's shot at chest level, which any Snapchatting sixth-grader will tell you is an angle to avoid. It boasts the best supporting performance from a drab set of drapes since Chris Crocker's "Leave Britney Alone." It stars Johnny Depp, serving up hot late '80s Linda Dano. It is hard to watch, and yet we've watched it ten times.

Here's some background: last year, Heard flew to Australia to visit Depp, who was in the country filming the as-yet-unreleased-and-unapologised-for fifth film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series. She brought her two Yorkies Pistol and Boo along, and did not declare and quarantine them for the minimum of 10 days required by Australian law. No, Heard just let her American pups run free on Australia's Gold Coast. And she would have gotten away with it too, if not for meddling local dog grooming service Happy Dogz, who announced on their Facebook page that they'd just bathed and trimmed Johnny Depp's undeclared Yorkies. 

Along came exquisitely-named Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce, who threw a proper fit. "It's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States," said Minister Joyce, who gave Depp and Heard 72 hours to leave the country with Pistol and Boo or face jail time and dog euthanasia. He continued: "If we start letting movie stars—even though they have been the sexiest man alive twice—to come into our nation with their pets, then why don't we just break the laws for everybody?" Australian politicians throw expert shade. 

Depp, Heard, Pistol, and Boo did indeed leave the country, thus avoiding jail time and the gas chamber with a guilty plea and a promise to record this, the saddest, strangest, and lowest-energy tourism video in YouTube history. Australia: it is a treasure trove of beautiful plants and animals, and also people who will murder your dogs if you break the law. Come visit, mate! (Or else.) 

For his efforts, Minister Joyce was recently elected Deputy Prime Minister. Bluster, belligerence and spotlight-chasing: they're not just for American politicians anymore. 

Johnny Depp, who has convincingly played a child-murdering candy magnate in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a blade-fingered humanoid in Edward Scissorhands, and some sort of French hybrid of Snoopy's brother Spike, Keith Richards, and a pile of oily rags in his actual life, somehow cannot make himself look like a man not acting under duress. (Amber Heard turns in a star-making performance, if you ask us.)

From: Esquire US.