Man at His Best

15 infuriating things you do on the Internet

We need to talk about this

BY Sam Parker | Jan 24, 2016 | Culture

Illustration from Flickr Commons

1. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”
Your ex isn’t reading your self-empowering Instagram quotes.

2. People posting screen grabs of text/Whatsapp exchanges between them and their friend
Congratulations, you share a sense of humour and a degree of mutual affection with another human being.

3. “Can’t believe it’s been 8 years since you left us Grandad, RIP”
Old boy got Facebook in the afterlife, has he?

4. “Happy birthday to my little man–4 today! Love you loads, Alfie!”
Alfie on Facebook already, is he? You’re a terrible parent.

5. People posting more than two Instagram pictures in a row
You're not Nicki Minaj.

6. “This is why we can’t have nice things”

Au contraire: people saying ‘this is why we can’t have nice things’ is why we can’t have nice things.

7. “SOME people need to mind their own business…”
“who? u ok hun??”
“nevermind… I’ll PM you”

Vaguebook is the worst book.


8. People who post *grabs some popcorn* at the bottom of a controversial article
Basically the puny kids at school stood in a circle shouting ‘Fight! Fight!’

9. “Views my own, not my employers”
Listen–LISTEN, to us. There is no funny variation on this sentence.

10. Saying things broke the Internet
At this point, the combined power of the world’s governments couldn’t ‘break the Internet’, so it’s safe to say Kendal Jenner hasn’t managed it with a picture of her arse.

11. “RIP [celebrity]. I saw him in Tesco buying a crème brule once”
Expect you’ll be delivering the eulogy, then.

12. People on Reddit who do that 'My Granddad looking cool, 1958' thing
It’s just an old bloke smoking, isn’t it?

13. “Just having dinner/watching tele/chilling out with this one”
Which one? Your one? The only one? Obi-Wan? Oh, the one you love so much you can’t be bothered to type out their name. That one.

14. “Feeling #blessed”
Feeling #sick

15. Friends arranging to hang out with each other over Twitter
If you’re that close, exchange mobile numbers.

First published in Esquire UK.